Saturday, February 18, 2012

I'm a girl and I need help

I am in need of help for a long time.
I never mention this to anyone because I'm scared that people will treat me differently.
I know I'm normal but sometimes I don't know if I am.
I have been battling this urge of vomiting every after meal since, i don't know when.
I've learned that from my mom. There was this one day that my mom didn't want to go to work so she ask me if I can do fake vomit sounds while she's talking to her boss. She will tell her boss that I don't feel well, that I'm having a vomit sickness or what ever it is called. I refused. She asked my brother to do it and He agreed. I was watching them make the act. My mom instructed my brother to stick his finger in his throat to trigger him to vomit. That's when I learned how to trigger vomiting.
I'm a fat girl since childhood and even until now. I guess it is in my genes.
I don't want to be fat forever. I don't know how to slim down but I love to eat.
I don't know how to work this out. Then I applied what I saw.
I will eat a lot of food and I will feel guilty. I don't want to gain weight.
My only solution was to throw everything in the toilet bowl with out processing it in my system.
I've been doing it since I was in sixth grade and it got a lot worse on my first year in high school.
I will eat a lot of food thinking that I will just throw them out of my system later, then after throwing it out, there's this thought of "I will eat a little and not throw up so I will have some energy", so I will eat a little but another thought bugs me. "Even if it's just a little food it will still make you fat" then I'll throw up again. And the thought will come again and again. I feel very weak after.
While I'm vomiting, I'm talking to God : "God I know I'm wasting all of these blessings you have given me. I know God there are a lot of people dying because of hunger. And here I am, In front of this thing, throwing all away what you have given me. This food is a product of hard work from a lot of people and I'm wasting everything. I am thankful still, God for you have given me this. Please don't get tired of giving blessings to me and my family. I don't want to do this God. I really need your help."
I can't control this sickness. It's like it's programmed in my mind. I can't stop it.
I don't know where to seek help. Psychologist can help me but the thought of seeking for their help makes me think I'm crazy. The only thing I'm holding on to is God.
I'm hoping to get better soon and I also hope that I will find my way out of this before it's too late.